D’ale aviatiei…

Am gasit un site ( limba engleza) cu glume din lumea aviatiei. Am ales cate ceva haios si va redau mai jos (sorry, dar a fost mai usor sa copiez, decat sa traduc). Nu imi ramane decat sa va doresc: “Lectura placuta”!
Pilot flies better than driving

In an attempt to keep the passengers from standing or moving around before taxiing was completed, the purser of a SouthWest flight said over the PA:

“Ladies and Gentlemen. Our pilots FLY much better than they DRIVE so please remain seated until the captain finishes taxiing and brings the aircraft to a complete stop at the terminal…”


questions and answers

Q: What separates flight attendants from the scum of the earth?

A: The cockpit door!

Q: What is the difference between a flight attendant and a jet engine?

A: The jet engine stops whining at the gate

Q: How does a blind parachutist know when he’s about to hit the ground?

A: His guide dog’s leash goes slack.

Q: How does the Airbus A340 manage to climb?

A: By the bend of the earth!

Q: Why does the Pope kiss the ground each time that he lands ?

A: Did you ever fly with Alitalia ?

Q: What is the ideal cockpit crew? …….

A: A pilot and a dog…the pilot is there to feed the dog, and the dog is there to bite the pilot in case he tries to touch anything.

Q: How many pilots does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Just one. He holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.

Q: How do you know if there is a pilot at your party?

A: He’ll tell you.

Q: What do pilots use for birth control?

A: Their personality.


pilot error

Insurer: It was pilot error

Pilot : It was design error

Insurer: I disagree. The pilot is at fault for trusting the designer

A “good” landing is one which you can walk away from. A “great” landing is one which lets you use the airplane another time.

A good simulator check ride is like successful surgery on a cadaver.

Good judgment comes from experience. Good experience comes from someone else’s bad judgment.

An airplane may disappoint a good pilot, but it won’t surprise him.

Learn from the mistakes of others…you won’t live long enough to make them all yourself.

Things which do you no good in aviation:

– Altitude above you.

– Runway behind you.

– Fuel in the truck.

– Half a second in history.

– Approach plates in the car.

– The airspeed you don’t have.


Glossary of aviation terms:

Emergency generator – device which generates emergencies, also known as a simulator.

Landing light – preferable to landing heavy.

Bank – owners of mortgage on aircraft.

Walkaround – procedure when waiting for better weather.

Briefing – spending a long time saying nothing.

De-briefing – spending a long time saying nothing after you have done it. “


bumperstickers

Stewardesses do it in the air

Airline pilots do it straight and level

Reconnaissance pilots just look at it

Stewardesses do it all over the world.

Fighter pilots do it better

Bomber pilots do it with a big bang

Abbreviations

In aviation we are used to abbreviations, probably it is a result of the military background of many aviators. As everybody knows, the military world is filled to the brim with abbreviations. The collection of letters often turns into the actual name after some years. A good example is the General Purpose vehicle in World War 2, it was a GP and the name became “jeep”.

Most airline names are simple abbreviations of the long real name.

Employees and passengers are known to change the words, and not always in favor of the airline involved. An example:

WORLD becomes We Organize Really Long Delays, and most probably this passenger did not need the full 8-hour delay to figure out this new meaning.

AA (American Airlines)
– Always Awful , Amateurs Anonymous , Abort Abort
AA (Aerolinas Argentina – American Airlines)
– Alcoholics Anonymous
Aer Lingus
– Arousing Erotic Randy Ladies In Nice Green Uniform Suits
AEROFLOT
– Aircraft Everywhere Run On Fuel Left Over by Tanks
AI (Air India)
– Allah Informed
Air BC
– Air Burn & Crash
Air Lanka
– Always Intended Return to Land And Not Kill Anyone
ALIA
– Always Late In Arrival
Air India
– An Interesting Ride, I’ll Not Do It Again
ALITALIA
– Always Late In Takeoff Always Late In Arrival , Air Line In Tokyo And Luggage In Amsterdam , A Little Italian Tradition And Lotsa Italian Attitude, Always Late In Transit, Always Late In Arrival
ALM
– Always Late Machine
AMERICAN
– Airline Meals Eaten Regularly Induces Cramps And Nausea, A Miracle Each Rider Is Currently Alive Now
ANA (All Nippon Airways)
– All New Aviators
ANSETT
– Any New Stewardess Expects Traumatic Temptations, Aircraft Nosewheel Stuck, Expect Tricky Touchdown
APSA
– Angry Peruvians Smashing Airplanes
Ariana
– Afghans Really Into Always Neglecting Airplanes
ATA
– Americans Take Alternatives , Alcoholics Transporting Alcoholics, Always Tardy Airlines
ATI
– Alternative: Take Iberia
AUA
– Almost Unknown Airline
AWA
– Always Wasting Assets
BA (British Airways)
– Bloody Awful, British Apoplectic, Bad Attitude
BAA (British Airport Authority)
– Brits Against Aviation
BCAL (British Caledonian)
– Better Crawl Across Lover
BEA (British European Airways)
– British Excuse for an Airline, Bloody Expensive Airline, Better Eat Afterwards
BOAC (British Overseas Airways Corp.)
– Better On A Camel , Bloody Old and Careless, Boeing Only Aircraft Club, Bend Over Again Christine, Book On Another Carrier, Better Off At Caledonian
BOEING (Aircraft manufacturer)
– Broken Off Engines In Numerous Gardens
BWIA (British West Indies Airways)
– But Will It Arrive?, British Worst Investment Overseas, Best Women In the Air, Baggage Wandering In Africa, Better Walk If you’re Able, Born to Wait In Airports
CA (China Airlines)
– Choose Another
CAA (Civil Aviation Authority)
– Campaign Against Aviation
CAAC (Civil Aviation Authority of China)
– Chinese Airline Always Canceled , China Airlines Almost (Always) Crashes
CPA (Canadian Pacific Airlines)
– Can’t Promise Anything
CAI (Canadian Airlines International)
– Crash And Ignite, Call Ambulance Immediately, Circle Airport Indefinitely, Cruise Above Iceland, Cancel Alaskan Itinerary, Call Attendants “Idiots”, Check All Items, Copilots Are Imbeciles, Casual Atmosphere Inside
CSA
– Czechs Screw Anything

DELTA
– Don’t Even Leave The Airport, Don’t Ever Leave The Airport, Departing Even Later Than Anticipated, Damaged Engines Limit Take-off Ability, Don’t Ever Land There Again, Departures Extra-Late, Tardy Arrivals, Directed Everybody’s Luggage To Atlanta, Doesn’t Ever Let Terrorists Aboard, Doesn’t Experience Like This Andrenalise?, Doesn’t Everybody Like This Airline?, Don’t Even Let Them Aboard, Drunken Engineers Land Too Abruptly
Dan Air
– Dangerous And Nearly Always Incredibly Rough
EAA
– Even Apes Aviate
EAL (Eastern)
– Eastern’s Always Late
ELAL
– Every Landing Always Late, Every Landing Always Lousy, Everyone’s Luggage Always Lost
Emirates
– English Managed, Indian Run, A Thousand Ex-pats Suffering

Finnair

– Flies Ideally? Nah, Not Airborne In Reality
GARUDA
– Goes All Right Under Dutch Administration, Go And Relax Until Delay Announcement
GB Air (Gibraltar Air)
– Getting Better Airways
Gulf Air
– Get Used to Late Flights – Aircraft In Repair
JAL (Japan Airlines)
– Jets Along Lazily, Journey Always Late
JAT (Yugoslav Airlines)
– Joke About Time
JMC (UK 1998 until 2003)
– Just More Crap

KAL (Korean Air Lines
– Karate After Lunch
KLM
-Kindly Leave Money, Koop Lockheed Majesteit (Buy Lockheed, Yourmajesty, after the Lockheed bribe scandal), Komische Landungs Methoden(German for funny way of landing..)

LIAT
– Luggage Is Always Tardy, Lost in-between Antigua, Trinidad, Leave island any time, Late If At All. Luggage In Any Terminal
LOT (Polish Airlines)
– Last One There, Luggage On Tarmac, Loads Of Trouble
LUFTHANSA
-Let Us F**k The Horses, Are No Stewardesses Available, Let Us F**k TheHostesses As No Stewards Available, Let Us Fondle The Hostesses And NotSay Anything

MAS (Malaysian Airline System)
– Most Asians Sail
MEA (Middle East Airways)
– Monotonous Experience Always
NA (National Airways)
– Never Again
Northwest
– Nobody Out Ranks This Horrid, Worthless, Excruciatingly Sluggish Transport
NWA (NorthWest Airlines)
– Nation’s Worst Airline

Olympic
– Onassis Likes Your Money Paid In Cash

PA (Philippine Airways)
– Please Avoid
PAL (Ph. Air Lines)
– Philippines Always Late, Plane Always Late
PAN AM
– Plan on Arriving Nervewracked And Mad, Passengers Always Need A Mortician, Pilots Are Not A Must, Poor Airline Needs Any Money
PIA (Pakistan Intl.Airl)
– Please Inform Allah, Panic In Air, Perhaps I Arrive, Passenger’s Illegal Abductor
PSA (Pacific Southwest Airlines)
– Poor Sailors Airline, Paul’s Saturday Airline
PWA
– Pete’s Wobbly Airline, Piddly Widdly Airline, Please Wait Awhile
QANTAS
– Queers And Nasty Types As Stewards, Queasy and Nauseous, Tired And Sick, Queers And Nymphomaniacs Trained As Stewards, Quick And Nasty Transportation, Australian Style, Quite A Neat Trick, Arriving Safely, Quite A Nice Trip, Any Survivors? , Quits Air-travel, Next Time Approaches Ship
Ryanair
– Running Your Ailing National Airline Into Receivership
SAA (South African Airways)
– Service An Afterthought, Sensious Airborne Affair
SABENA (Belgium)
– Such A Bloody Experience Never Again, Such A Bad Experience Never Again, Select A Better European National Airline
SAHSA (Servicio Aero Honduras SA)
– Stay At Home Stay Alive
SAS (Scandinavian Airl. System)
– Sweet And Sexy, Sex And Service, Same As Sabena, Sex and Smorgasbord, Sit And Suffer, Service After Sex, Sex And Satisfaction, Sex Always Supplied
SIA (Singapore Intl.Airl.)
– So Incredible Aah, Sex In the Air, Singapore Imitates America
SWISSAIR
– Sexy Woman In Swissair Service Are Indeed Rare, Sexy Women In Swissair Service Are Incredibly Raunchy
TAA
– Take Another Airline
TACA
– Take A Chance Airline, Take A/C Anywhere, Take Another Carrier Always, Take A Coffin Along
TAP (Portuguese Airl.)
– Take Another Plane, Try Another Airplane, Take A Pill, Take A Parachute
THY
– They Hate You
TNT
– Tomorrow Not Tonight
TWA (Transworld Airl.)
– Travel Without Arrival, Try Walking Asshole , Try Walking Again, The Worst Airline, Took Wrong Airline, Try Walking Across (transatlantic perspective),Terrorists Welcome Aboard, Teenie Weenie Airlines, Traveling Without Air, Time Waste Airlines, That Was Accidental ,That Was Awful ,Thieves, Whores & Alcoholics ,Today’s Worst Airline, Tomorrow�s Worst Airline, Tomorrow We’ll Arrive, Tomorrow’s Widebody Accident, Totally Wasted Airlines, Travel With Arabs,
Travel With Alcohol, Try With Another

UA (United Airlines)
– Undress All
United
– U Need Insurance That Exempts Death, Usually Not Inclined To Eliminate Disasters
USAir
– Unfortunately Still Alleghany In Reality, Underwater Seats Available In Rear, Usually Stewardesses Are Irrationally Romantic
UTA
– Usually They’re Around, Unlikely To Arrive, Unable To Ascend
VARIG
– Voluptuous And Romantic In General, Virgin’s Are Rare In Glasgow, Voyage Awfully Rough Into Gringoland
Virgin
– Very Interesting Ride: Going Into Nymphos

Or look at the list with soundalikes that follow the abbreviations.

An example:

Northwest   becomes Northworst.


Aer Lingus: Aer Fungus,
Aeroflot: Aero Flop,Cosmoplot, Aerosplat
Aermediterranea: Aermediterroranea
Aeromexico: Aerowrecksico, AeroMiedo (This means AirScare in spanish), AeroMaybe
Aeronaves de Mexico: AeroNervous
Aeroperu: Aeroperhaps
Air Afrique: Air Freak(out), Air Tragique
Air BC: Air Bash & Crash, Air Burn & Crash, Scare BC
Airbus: Airbust, Scarebus
AirCal: AirCrawl, Airkill, Scare Cal
Air Cambodia: Air forbodia
Air Canada: Err Canada (as in “To err is human…”),Air Can’t…uh…duh… , Trash Can
Air France: Air Chance
Air Illinois: Air what’s that noise?, Scare Illinois
Air Jamaica : Air Jerks kill ya, Air Jammin’
Air Malta: Air Melt ya
Air Mauritius: Air Murderous
Air New England: Scare No Engines
Air New York: Air New jerk
Air New Zealand: Air No wheels land
Air Of Vermont: Air Of Vomit
Air Ontario: Scare Ontario
Air Pacific: Air Pacifwreck
Air UK: Air Yuch
Air Wisconsin: Scare Wisconsin
Air West: Air Worst, Scare Best, Scare West
Air Wisconsin: ‘ere We’re crashin’
Air Zaire: Air scare
Alleghany Air: Agony Air (USair since many years), Allemaybe Alligator
Allegheny Commuter: Agonizing Commuter
All Nippon Airways: All fall down Airways
Aloha Airlines: All over Airlines
Altair Airlines:All scare Airlines
American Airlines: Sham-erican, American’t
American Eagle: Screamin’ Eagle
America West: America Worst
Ansett: Chance-it
Arrow Air: Error Air, Harrowing Scare
Aspen Airways: Crashpen Airways
Avianca: Awful anca
Aviogenex: Aviogen wrecks

British Airways: Brutish Airways, Brutish Scareways,
Bahamasair: By llamas air
Balair: Fallair
Balkan Bulgarian: Broken Bulgarian
Bangladesh Biman: Bangladeath flamin’
Big Sky Airlines: Big Scare Airlines
Bonanza Air Lines: Banana Air Lines
Bonanza: Banzai
Braathens SAFE: Braathens UNSAFE
Braniff Airlines: Brainless Airlines, Brand-F, Rainbow or Chiclet Airlines, Braniff’s green 747 = Super Pickle, Braniff’s orange 747 = The Great Pumpkin
British Air Ferries: British scare Ferries
British Airtours: British scaretours
Brockway Air: Shockway Air
Brymon Airways: Die mon Airways
Business Express, the Delta Connection: Businss Distress, the Delta Rejection
Cascade Airways : Crashcade Scareways
Cameroon: No room
Cameroon Airlines: Become marooned Airlines
Cathay Pacific : Crash in Pacific
Central Airlines: Bentral Airlines
China Airlines: China scarelines
Cochise Airlines: No peace Airlines
Comair: Kamikaze Air
Command Airways: Commando Airways
Continental: InContinental, Can’t….Mental, Detrimental, Contemptible
Conair: Conned air
Condor Flugdienst: Condor Flugdeath
Cordova Airlines: Cart over Airlines
Crossair: Crashair
Cruzeiro do Sul: Crasheiro do Sul
Cyprus Airways: Try a bus Airways
Danair: Dan dare
Emirates: Emirats

Finair: Thin air
Gulf Air: Goof Air

Laker Airways: Shaker Airways
Lufthansa: Lusthansa

Midwest Express: Midwest Excess (True, but worth it)
Mohawk: Slowhawk
Northwest: Northworst , Northwaste

PanAm: Pandemonium Among Airlines
People Express : Cattlecar Express, People Distress, People Compress
Piedmont :Piedmonster (merged with usair)
Quantas: Quaint Ass
Quebecair :Quick Air
TWA: Tightwad Airlines

United: Untied
US Air: Useless Air, US Scare, yousair, usairheads
Zambia Airways: Zombia Airways

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